How are you? What is it like in heaven? The first thing I thought of this morning was you. I told this boy I like about you yesterday. I told him how losing you was my biggest pain. I’m not so sure if it’s such a bad thing that you are not here…last week many beautiful babies around your age were hurt by a really sad man. I wouldn’t want you to grow up in a world like this. If you were alive & I hadn’t done so 4 years ago, today I would probably be boarding a plane to Thailand to raise you in a forest. Just you & I. I would teach you everything I know, I would learn with you because I don’t know as much about life, love, plants & animals as I’d like to. We could have our own garden & zoo…and I would live for your happiness. I think about that all the time. I’m still not over losing you. I say now that I don’t want any babies until I’m 35 but I honestly think it’s because I can’t imagine replacing you. I don’t want to let you go. I hope you’re happy & glowing. I hope you’re proud of me…I love you.
Hello Life, hello world, hello organisms & microorganisms, hello energy, hello LOVE!
Life is great, as it should be depending on your PERSPECTIVE, not your circumstances. I often hear people’s negative outlooks on their lives & can’t understand why because everything they have to be thankful for sticks out to me like a sore eye. It is far more uplifting & gratifying to entertain positivity than to mope around. Let me use myself as an example & hopefully inspire a new perspective for you alls.
1. I am basically orphaned in a sense & have been supporting myself since I was 18 (that means rent, food, working, yadi ya).
2. I work 60 hours or more a week & have 2 jobs.
3. I never really go out.
4. The people closest to me are scattered all over the world.
5. I’m underweight.
Now let’s change the perspective.
1. I am mature beyond my years & am capable of supporting myself without a dime from anyone.
2. I make over $3000 a month.
3. I read a lot! Reading > Partying all day!
4. I have excuses to go to Brazil, Haiti, France & I have free places to stay!
5. I can eat WHATEVER I want, 24/7 & I don’t have to do diets.
So, if it helps, make a list of things that you may not be all too happy about & then do the same list over & list every thing to be happy about. And whenever you mental or moral is low, do this & CHOOSE to change your perspective.
Something happened today that really put things into perspective for me. I woke up this morning 3 times, stressed out about bookings I had to make for people, work I had to get done before starting my suspension FROM work, & just wondering what else I could eliminate from my life (phoneless for 5 months now). I was looking forward to getting off of work at 6pm & then drowning myself in drinks with one of my soul’s mates, Jill. 7 hours later I was on a yacht, wearing a $108,000 diamond necklace for a jewelry designer & I felt….nothing. I was indifferent. I even forgot until I caught people staring. Then I realized, I don’t want to live for this. I don’t want diamonds, I don’t want to obsess over a pair of earrings when I’ve been wearing the same $2.99 pair of earrings every day for the past month. I refuse. But in juxtaposition to this, here was the talent of a man whose family has been designing & making jewelry for the past 150 years in India for Indian royalty. Here was history, passion, inspiration, & just plain brilliance. And I was inspired. Because this man, whom I jokingly insulted by comparing his outfit to an Indian picnic basket, was living & breathing his dreams & passions. And it was humbling. He deserves every penny of that $108,000 necklace for so much more than the mere genius that went behind it. Because it’s rare to come face to face with passion. His passion manifested itself into this fantastical jewelry line that was a fusion of Alice in Wonderland & a gypsy fantasy. Here’s a toast to Arun & his Arunashi line of fantasy & history. And thank you for the inspiration this experience brought with it.
Ladies, here is my toast to loving yourself. Fat, small, short, tall, we are just different cups of tea comprised of different combinations of herbs, such a variety that pleases every single palette on this earth. As my mother tells me in french “Chaque pain a son fromage”.
Just a little background on where I stand on this topic:
I am mulatto, white mother, black father. I never knew much of my white side until last year so all I had to associate with was my black side. The first stab came when I was 9 years old. My 2 cousins cornered me, looking at me funny, & the younger one blurted out, “Are you sure you’re related to us? You don’t look like us. Your skin is different, your hair is different.”
What the fuck…this whole time there was a difference? And that’s when human beings magically had color. Because before then, I was quite oblivious.
From that day I became self-conscious, the taunting of “twig” “you’re too skinny, EAT!” “when are you going to gain weight?” began. And I tried desperately for many years to look like the women on the black side of my family. The full thighs & bigger bums. I nearly made it - then failed. As if my own body was a rebel to half of my heritage. After years of trying - and I mean years, my self-image started to change. I started to look at skinny girls. Really look at them. Look at how their bodies flowed, how their breasts look in revealing dresses, how their bums had shape without the indecency of a “fat ass”, how their lean postures seemed almost poetic. Until all pictures led to mine - that was me. The more I looked, the more I found to appreciate, the more I fell in love.
Then I did a pros & cons. By all means, ethnic women’s curves are melodious in their own rhythm but I could live without my ass & thighs speaking to a man first before he even asked for my name. I grew comfortable in my own skin & the confidence grew & for the first time, I appreciated my ass for having the perfect shape without being indecent and my clothes became daring because well, on any other body type it would give off the wrong idea to say the least. I look like a model & I take full advantage of that. At this point, every BODY I see, I see the beauty in it, the shape it was meant to grow into, it’s own poetic flow, & as long as I see the glow of happiness & confidence in a woman’s eyes, who am I to say her body is right or wrong? Since when was God’s artwork debatable?
So here’s a toast to finally loving myself, & to the hope of inspiring others to love themselves. This “twig” is grateful for every piece of her puzzle. I no longer eat to gain weight but rather eat to fulfill, purify & indulge. I am even considering putting this baby to use in modeling - who knows. I love me, I love you, & you, & you. Learn to love you too :)
If you asked me 2 years ago what I wanted to do with my life, my answer was a fervent & passionate version of “I want to be a fashion designer, artist, writer, & have non-profit organizations for the Amazon Rainforest & for children.” But as the months rolled by, a deeply embedded feeling took over, my deepest desires unfolded, and today when I was asked this question, I felt like I was a different being inside the body that was regurgitating the words I’d said a million times before. The words felt foreign. My lips, my voice, my body, in that moment, felt like a shell. And my heart was just not satisfied with the images conveyed by those dreams I once had. I want to be more. I have always had a gift for drawing, creativity, dance, & designing. I have always been a nerd. Was certified “gifted” by a psychologist & took gifted & AP classes, the whole 9. I could have been a lawyer, biologist, journalist, fashion designer. But at this point in my life, I feel like none of that matters, wearing those hats no longer fulfills me. Every single day I breathe my mind is flooded by images of temples, rain forests, beaches, caves, ancient Greece, lush Thailand, romantic Italy - in short, I want the world. I want to experience the world. I don’t care for a house, or a car, I don’t care & never cared for fame or beauty. I long for a deeper understanding of this world, I thrive off of deeper connections, epiphanies, sacred traditions, exotic foods - I want THE WORLD. Now it’s just a matter of when I feel ready. I don’t care where I begin, but I want to start my journey soon. I want to indulge, to experience, to share, to love, to learn, to grow. There is no way I can focus on designing or building a name for myself when my heart yearns for so much more. It makes no sense to wait until later in life when I am successful because frankly - if my heart isn’t in it, I can’t give it my all. So here’s a toast to my lifelong dreams, I will not forget you. I just have to go away for a little while.
Today I saw that he followed me & I was perplexed because I knew he was following me before…so I looked at his blog to see what happened & he said “Just unfollowed 2,000 blogs…if you think I should not have, holla!” Well I didn’t notice, didn’t even know, and he found his way back to my blog on his own :) It’s quite flattering. Love you butterfly :)
I think there are 3 crucial things one must know about skinny girls.
1. We eat a LOT and are hungry all the time.
2. We’re probably freakier than fuller girls because we have to make up for the lack of posterior & cleavage (and love handles).
3. Back to number 1.
Of all the people I’ve fallen in Love with, only 1 makes my heart sick with grief, regret, emptiness, sorrow beyond any human capacity. I just came across some notes I’d written about our short but passionate love & now I just want to curl into a ball & disappear. I want to cry myself into oblivion. I’d run to his apartment right now & wait for him to come home if I wasn’t sure he hated me for pushing him away. I just want to share some of those notes & the lessons that came at a hefty price.
1. Learn to Love, learn to LISTEN.
2. Just PAINT. Wait for nothing.
3. Trust your passion and self-expression.
4. Live as a minimalist.
5. Sometimes you only get ONE chance. Just one.
6. DON’T hurt someone who loves you.
7. Complete strangers can fall in love on the first night.
8. It does get better than your last.
9. Not everyone can tolerate so much.
10. Love someone for who they are, not what you want them to be. Allow him/her to be themselves & love them for exactly that.
With that said, if you ever come across a painter named Sean Ritchwood, let him know I loved him. Let him know that I always go to 9th Chakra just to see his painting of the Dalai Lama as a sorry & pitiful excuse to be close to him again. And tell him that I’m sorry & will forever regret pushing him away out of fear. And I hope you love his paintings as much as I do, especially the baby under water with his arms wide open reaching out for you. That was my favorite & it was one the wall overlooking the bed in which our souls & bodies connected.
“What we had just WAS…”